On Charity: Sometimes, it really sucks.

But ^acharity is the pure ^blove of Christ, and it endureth^cforever; and whoso is found possessed of it at the last day, it shall be well with him. ~Moroni 7:47


That's what Mormon told his son, Moroni, right before he died.  He goes on and says, "Wherefore, my beloved brethren, ^apray unto the Father with all the energy of heart, that ye may be filled with this love, which he hath bestowed upon all who are true ^bfollowers of his Son, Jesus Christ; that ye may become the sons of God; that when he shall appear we shall ^cbe like him, for we shall see him as he is; that we may have this hope; that we may be ^dpurified even as he is pure. Amen."


I've been trying to apply that more nowadays, praying to be able to love my investigators more.  In the past, I've been a bit aloof from all, not caring so much about the people I come in contact with.  Subconsciously, I've been putting up defensive walls, making sure that I don't ever love people enough.  After all, as missionaries we rarely stay in one spot for more than six months.  Why get attached to people that you won't be with in two years, right?


Recently, I've been praying more and more for charity, the love of Christ.  I want to actually feel more of the love of God for these people.  I hadn't been feeling the results all that much until last night.  That's when I found out that I am leaving this area.  Not only that, but starting next Monday, there won't be Spanish missionaries here anymore.


It's more than a little scary.  Frustrating, a little.  Depressing, more than a bit.  It feels so pointless for us to keep talking to Spanish people.  After all, what's the point?  Without us here, they won't progress.  


What's more, what will happen to all the people that we're talking to?  To Jose, Josue, Leo and Ayde, Flor, Miriam, Heidi, Ariel and Sandra, Marina...  They're doing so well, but we won't be able to help them.  Josue even has a time set when he wants to get baptized.  What will happen to him?  Who's going to help him grow, to learn?


This all hit me as I was saying my nightly prayers.  I can count on one hand the number of times that I've cried during my prayers; this was one of them.  I was a mix of worry, confusion, disappointment, with a sprinkle of curiosity and excitement on the side.  I'm not sure that the ward is up to taking care of my investigators, and I'm not used to having regular members take care of an area after I've left it.  All I can do is really hope that Brother Swanson is up to visiting all these people, and hope that these investigators that I have might know enough English to be taught that way.


Then it hit me.  I really do love these people.  I feel a portion of the love that Christ feels for them.  To a certain extent, I've developed charity.


This also hit me:  This sucks.  Can you imagine what God feels like?  He's got 6+ billion people to worry about, and nobody to talk to about it.  I had so many things to think about, I didn't get to bed until about midnight.  I felt like my mind had been put in a blender right before someone pushed '"Puree."


This is so difficult, mostly because I don't see how it's going to work out.  I'm going to have to put my own principles in place.  Like Indiana Jones, I'm going to have to take a leap of faith, and let the Lord grab me.  I'm willing.


Let's go.